OFF TRACK

Happy May!
Fear not, my friends, I have not been completely derailed, but I will say that Life certainly has knocked me off track a bit this past month. For those of you who have missed my “Spark,” thanks for noticing. I vow now to begin again.

Have you ever started something brand new and been supported by beginner’s luck, enjoyed the creating, feeling in the flow, living in the moment? That’s how the first few months of writing my blog felt. I loved it! You responded graciously. Topics came, words flowed. All was well. And then... the college decisions (or rather, non-decisions) came and all three of my teenagers decided to become well, needy, testy, challenging teenagers. Whack! Bam! Boom! I felt a lot like this picture above, like someone switched the track on me and I was “off.” I alternated between feeling like a spark on fire! and wondering “Where the heck did my spark go?”

What to do when disappointment reigns? “Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?”

I refer frequently to that line “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” and have used (if not, overused) it to lure/coax/force myself and others out of tricky situations. To me the lesson is, in the face of challenge, don’t just sit there, make/do something! The juice is in the creation, especially in the face of destruction. Courage is not about being fearless, it’s about facing your fears and… doing something anyway.

Last Saturday, I attended Sonia Choquette’s “Creating Your Heart’s Desire” workshop. From the first moment, she invited me way out on the edge of my comfort zone. One of the first exercises was one I’m familiar with and actually have used in Circle. She put us in dyads to discern our heart’s desire with this lead-in: “If I wasn’t afraid, I would…” No problem. Except that the foreign face of fear reared its ugly head the moment I opened my mouth to speak my desires. Yikes! A huge lump appeared in my throat and tears flowed from my eyes. Much to my partner’s (and my) surprise, I couldn’t speak a word. Really? Really! Ugh! Looking into the beautiful blue eyes of my 19-year-old partner, I faced fear. She was sweet, and didn't know what to do but listen. She took her turn. I listened. Luckily, the next session was lunch. I raced outside to tangle with this foreigner. I wrote, railed, cried, and tried to discover what this block was. I came to this weekend to discover desire, not face fright. Whoa! I started writing fast and furious everything I was suddenly afraid of…being alone, being invisible, not succeeding, not mattering… It was only when I read the list over out loud, that I found myself balancing the list by adding…not being alone, being really seen, succeeding wildly, mattering more than I ever thought possible....and a huge smile erupted on my face. :) “Oh, that’s it,” I thought, “I’m afraid of EVERYTHING!!!!” And somehow, that made it all easier to understand and to hold. Being afraid of everything felt a lot like being afraid of no thing at all. And so I decided to step into all of it, even the crazy dancing Sonia was mandating back inside at the workshop. My path to desire was through the juiciness of facing fear.

The weekend opened up for me (or rather, I opened up to the weekend) and I began to dance with these strange new friends of mine. Sonia’s invitation to dance on over to a new edge for this edge walker was exactly the edginess I needed to get back on my track. The very worst thing to do when derailed is nothing. There is nothing worse than being mired in your own muck, stuck in neutral, wallowing in woo woo at your own pity party. “I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, now I am!” is my new refrain, little red engine that I am.

The juice started flowing for me again once I stepped back into that conference room, freed to face my fears and discover my heart’s desire. I revived my spark and... you won’t be surprised to know what my present desire is: “calling, convening and creating Circle.”

The wonderful women who really really really showed up in Circle this past month - ready, willing and able to transform and be transformed - gifted and shifted me forward. My heart overflows with gratitude for you. Thanks for listening, for speaking your truth, for coming to Circle, because without you - I can’t give my gift. You are the sweetness I can add to Life's lemons to make lemonade. Yum! Yay! Yes!

And now, it’s May, my favorite month of the year! Here we go, spark renewed, ready to shine again! How do you deal with Life's lemons. Let me know... is fearless dancing required, I wonder?